NTDL #42: The Fundraising Fatty


I have one question.

Who came up with the idea of selling chocolate bars to raise money?

  1. They are a genius
  2. I dislike you a lot

Think about it. A little kid comes up to you and asks you in a soft almost quivering voice: “would you like to buy a chocolate bar? I’m raising money for the homeless shelter”

Okay. Stop right there. I am at a serious disadvantage here. Not only do they have the benefit of that adorable wide-eyed “I’m so innocent and care about people still” look BUT they are also raising money for a good cause! I have no chance, no choice…check mate! Making me question my selflessness while dangling a sugary indulgence in front of me…WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE.

In my head – Ohhh surrre, act all innocent. Just standing there, with all your will power and such. That’s cool. Do your thing. Prey on the weak. We’ll both see who the righteous one is come judgement day (not sure when this is…maybe halloween…or my next doctor’s appointment…or my stint on the biggest loser).

Anyways. So much for that diet I never started because I ran into a kid selling candy apples yesterday for the Hurricane Sandy relief efforts. You know what? Why don’t you sell umbrellas! I’d buy one. It would be a win-win. You’d make money AND I would not feel guilty about eating a chocolate bar (though it’s usually plural) that I bought AND I would have an umbrella (I really need one).

Oh! and another thing! Say you were all like:

“I’m not eating junk food for the next week. I’ve eaten terribly lately”.

And then…POOF! This kid approaches YOU!

Wide eyes and all…

Whether it was in front of a grocery store, at a sporting event OR the worst of all…

…your front door.

Well, it must be a sign then! You were not meant to eat healthy. If junk finds YOU, then you are in the clear! It should be “guilt free” because your conscience was in the right place…you gave money to a good cause, and gave sugar to your overly active sweet tooth.

But let’s be honest here. We never really give those kids 2 dollars because we want to support whatever they are doing. We are selfish and want candy.

Nuff said.

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