Been there, don’t do it

personal victim of this not to do…one time thing or reoccurring. Suggesting you beware of this.

NTDL #40 – Play rap music around a feminist

I implore you.

Do not…I repeat…DO NOT play rap music around a feminist.

Before I go into my pro-rap, anti-rap-hater rant, let’s first come to a common understanding of what I mean by “feminist”.
I’m talking about the extremest. Technically a feminist is anyone who thinks men and women should have equal rights. So “technically” many people are feminists. Anyways, in this scenario I am discussing the “everything I read, hear, see etc. is against women” type feminist.

Anyways.

If you like rap, whether it is mainstream, under ground…whatever. There are many derogatory, offensive, sexually explicit things said about women. That’s part of the genre. There are also very eloquently phrased, cleverly articulated things mentioned about women (and every other topic) BUT those are over shadowed. The reason for this? Most pump up and hype hip-hop and rap music that is mainstream is more…on the vulgar side. So when people who are against this type of music hear the 10 songs played in the top 40, they use these tracks as their battle ground for why it is such a crued genre. The fact of the matter is, this limited selection of music isn’t even scratching the surface. The majority of hip-hop lovers and rap connoisseurs listen to these joints on the radio, at the club and on their ipods to get amped and such BUT they do not (and I seriously mean, DO NOT) base their sole love for this music on the publicly praised, billboard chart climbing, created for mass audience, tracks.

Alright.

Now this being said, sometimes you have to pick your battles.

Don’t play rap music in front of an extreme feminist.

1. Always be ready: She Will (pun intended…Drake ft. Lil Wayne) make some pretty easily justifiable arguments that, if you were caught off guard, will make you seriously consider your music choices

2. Not worth the effort: No mater what you say…you will NOT change her/his mind (yes a guy can be a feminist)

3. If: If you try to back up the lyrics…you’ll realize you can’t. Especially when you are caught defending the song “Hey Ma”. I once tried saying “I don’t listen to the lyrics necessarily, it’s for the beat, rhythm, base etc” but for some reason they weren’t buying it.
4. Playing it safe: When in doubt, keep it in the headphones 😉

Though I am curious…”What Would You Do” if you were faced with a sudden anti-rap attack? Other than burst out into City High’s one hit wonder.

NTDL #37: Come Last

By all means, be the fastest. Run until your legs can’t run any more, lap people and do a victory dance when you finish if necessary (always necessary).

BUT! If you are like the majority of the population, you probably won’t be winning every single race. Yeah I know, sad reality check. All those long hours practicing my hybrid victory dance of the Dougie, Cat Daddy AND Gangnam style (The Cat-Dougnam) are going to waste. Despite this, there is an optimistic perspective that has emerged.

Just don’t come last.

I guess I could be talking literally about actually running and physically beating someone out, or generally about any type of competition.

The fact of the matter is that people pay attention to number one (sometimes two and three) and then when it comes to the last person…they send out the Pity Party. This Pity Party is a nice sentiment if you were blind to human nature. We feel bad for you because you came last and might be embarrassed blah blah…but really we are like “THANK THE LORD THAT WAS NOT ME”. Why do you think reality TV is such a hit? We LOVE seeing people suffer. That is why 11 episodes are dedicated to people getting kicked off and 1 to the winner! Tis’ the nature of the beast.

Anyways, before I diverge any more, my main point is if you don’t come in first, finish anywhere but last. Even 2nd last? Yup.

It is like a herd of gazelle being chased by a lion. Is the second last gazelle going to get eaten? No. Is the last one? Yes.

So all in all, go get that literal or metaphorical cardio up! I’ll be seeing you in the middle of the pack someday soon….when I choose to slow down of course 😉

 

NTDL #34: Be A Change-Counting-Keener

Having change is nice. Whether you keep it in a container in your car or in your wallet, change can be very convenient.

1. Having a stack of toonies and loonies makes you feel like a boss

2. Quarters are clutch in any situation (this situation most often includes candy machines)

3. How much fun is it to drop a penny, be too lazy to pick it up and be like “oh, well that will be a lucky penny for the person who finds it”

4. WISHING WELLS – you need change, its just fun. Throwing things is fun. If you happen to hit someone ‘by accident’ while you throw it, that might just make it more fun 😛

5. When you are buying something and give them exact change RIGHT AWAY (important)…they pretty much fall in love with you (me at starbucks, Venti Bold = $2.26…yes I know it’s a rip off BUT I am mildly addicted)

ANYWAYS

When you are in line and someone gives you the total and you proceed to count out 12 nickles, 6 dimes and 42 pennies…let’s just say you are not making any friends that day.

I witness it a lot. I’ve been the culprit and the victim (and oh there are sooo many victims – the cashier, everyone in line behind you and everyone witnessing it from other lines and in their head thinking “YES I didn’t get stuck behind that change-counting-keener”

SO! Next time you decide to pay for something with a two pounds of miscellaneous change please be aware that EVERYONE is judging you 🙂

 

 

NTDL #30: Openly tell people you are a vegetarian

BUT WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR PROTEIN?!

I swear, if I hear that one more time…I might just…*takes deep breath*…tell them exactly where I get my protein 🙂

I have no doubt in my mind, if I told people I was addicted to prescription pills…worked for the CIA…or liked country music! They would be less shocked than when I say that I don’t consume animal meat.

It is quite a funny phenomenon. When someone says “I’m a vegetarian” or god forbid, “I’m a vegan”, people react in the following ways.

Horrified:

1. OH MY GOSH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF PEOPLE NEED MEAT TO SURVIVE! HOW ARE YOU STILL BREATHING?! WHAT LED YOU DOWN THIS DANGEROUS, REBELLIOUS PATH OF FOOD-ENDUCED MASOCHISM?!

Response: It’s just a food choice…ethical or health reasons are often the cause. That’s it.

2. Defensive:

Well, I think people need meat to be healthy. You probably have so many vitamins and mineral deficiencies. Do you think you are better than me because you lead this hippie lifestyle? I hope you don’t. Stop looking at me with that condescending stare.

Response: 1. probably farthest thing from a hippie 2. Was just telling you I don’t eat meat. Don’t really care what you eat.

3. Interested:

Oh…so what do you eat then? How do you make that? Does it taste good? Where do you get your iron and protein? How long have you been a vegetarian? Are you an animal activist? What made you decide? What’s your favourite colour? Do you know the meaning of life?

Response: My favourite colour is grey, thanks for asking 🙂 (I know, I know it’s a “shade”)

4. Informative:

Well, I read this recent study that eating meat is necessary to live. Yeah, read it last week. Oh I also read this other article that stated being a vegetarian/vegan is detrimental to the progress of society so you should really re-consider. I’ll send it to you BLAH BLAH…

Response: Cool. I have read a lot of articles claiming the opposite. Let’s agree to disagree.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Food choices don’t define who you are, so let’s move on.

NTDL #29: Ask a PC owner if they wish they had a Mac

It’s a touchy subject.

I’m primarily talking about laptops in this argument but in general this is what tends to happen when you ask…

“Don’t you wish you had a MacBook?” or while you are sitting there with your MacBook open you ask “Hmmm…(in a condescending tone) Do you like your Dell/Samsung/Sony etc.? (anything that is not a Mac)”

The reply usually involves one or all of the following phases:

1. Denial – They say they love their computer. It gets “the job done” (although they don’t disclose if the job is done well). Maybe they caress it and smile awkwardly.

2. Defense – They start trying to throw any negative comments or stats they have EVER heard about Apple products at you. “Well, I hear that Macs are…umm…(mumbles something)…I don’t like Photo Booth anyways because people who take pictures of themselves are narcissists so that means Apple is stuck up and yeah. I like my computer.”

3. Complain – Give it a few minutes, then they complain about: how slow it is to load stuff, loud fan, short battery life, bad programs, breaks all the time, how heavy it is…blah blah blah BUT don’t worry, it really doesn’t bother them. REALLY. They REALLY DO like their computer (another bout of denial).

4. Personal Reflection – Sit in the silence of their roaring internal fan. Feel the indents forming from the 20 pound piece of machinery sitting on their lap. Acceptance sets in.

I am not saying that Macs are the best computer by ANY means…I am just poking fun at how hilarious it is to witness these types of conversations over and over…and over again.

Now for some self-centered Photo Booth pics. You’re welcome.

 

NTDL #23: Open a wrapper in a quiet place

Quiet places:

1. Class room/lecture hall

2. Library

3. Class room/lecture hall

4. During a speech or presentation (classroom/lecture hall)

You want to eat your granola bar RIGHT NOW? There is 5 minutes left in class…and you want to eat it NOW? I’m just checking. I don’t know, I guess if I was really really really really hungry I’d distract everyone around me too just to eat a granola bar with 5 min…REALLY? Right NOW?!

Kay. Now you have my undivided (and seriously annoyed) attention. Let’s take this outside. Let’s go.

Oh! Wait…you think that if you open it slower it will be quieter. Nope. Not true. I say just rip it open OR wait 5 minutes, but you already chose to not do the second one.

Damn. Still opening that rapper eh? Hmm…too bad I actually wanted to know what the prof was saying but seeing as my goldfish-like attention span was now stolen by your need to eat that crinkly-wrapper-covered granola bar…

Ohhh HELL NO! It’s a crunchy granola bar?! WOW. Why don’t you just eat a fog horn! Shake my damn head….

What is quieter to eat in class?

 Granola bar < Fog Horn

           

     

NTDL 19: Breathe within 10 meters of an Abercrombie store

So you are walking through the mall…

ALL OF A SUDDEN air starts thinning…you are becoming light headed…a toxic aroma begins to infiltrate your nostrils…

Yes. You guessed it. You are approaching an Abercrombie store.

I don’t know how many gallons of perfume they pump into the air on a daily basis…but my guess is an unhealthy amount considering the thick coating it leaves on any and everything that comes within 10 metres of it.

I use to have this silly game with myself where I’d hold my breath every time I walked by. Wait, who am I kidding. I still do that. It’s amazing how superstitions stick with you. You can assume I wasn’t one of those kids who shopped there…though if I was that would have really tested my lung capacity.

Anyways, I’m not hating on people who shop there…just their damaged sinuses.

NTDL #18: Wear colours while public speaking

It doesn’t matter how calm, cool and collected you are.

It doesn’t even matter what the temperature is.

What matters is that you are public speaking and you know what? Public speaking and the Sweat-Monster are bestfriends.

We like to think that “maybe for this presentation I can get away with wearing this light blue top” but no matter who, what, where or when…sweaty armpit syndrome is sure to follow.

I suggest sticking to a completely neutral colour palate when it comes to your wardrobe and that involves black, white and white…and black.

You can be adventurous if you feel so inclined. Maybe rock a black and white pattern, or a dark dark grey, or maybe even soft beige…BUT be warned. If you stray too far from your oh so trusty blacks and whites…no matter how fascinating your speech is…no matter how confident or even attractive you are…everyone is looking at your sweat stains.

(cough*all my profs*cough* so distracting*cough)

NTDL #16: Make eye contact with gypsies

It’s a skill really.

When people want anything, they make eye contact. It’s like looking into someone’s soul.

Now, when it comes to people wanting money…the tactic of locking someone’s aimless glance is a masterful way to evoke pity and emptying one’s pockets.

And don’t get me wrong at all, giving money to people in need is a great thing, but I would seriously be bankrupt if I gave to every person I walked by. And because of this (after backpacking in Europe for a few weeks) you learn quickly to avoid eye contact, pretend you are deaf AND walk at an awkwardly fast pace.

Examples:

What you should do when you have no money to spare…

What people always do…

No turning back now.

Do you feel lighter? You know why? Your soul has officially been sucked. They sell for a lot on the black market apparently. Ask your favourite reality TV star.

NTDL #14: Play Tic-Tac-Toe with a competitive person

We all have those super competitive friends.

Those friends that get mad when you hit the elevator button before them…

Those friends that turn a playful thumb war into a wrist-unhinging, thumb-bleeding battle.

So! If you have a friend like this, do not…I repeat…DO NOT ask them to play tic-tac-toe.

You guys will start the first game off being all playful and joking but after the second turn is over, game face is on. If the game culminates in a tie (which 90% do) or your friend by some terrifying chance loses…be ready for a “best two of three” or “rematch, that was lucky”. This is all being said under their much forced composure by the way.

The stress builds.

Veins bulge in places in the forehead and neck that remind you of crazy graphic novel villains.

Loss number 2 = ?

I’m not even going to tell you. I said don’t do it. Your problem now. Though I might suggest running shoes…oh and you probably won’t get your pen back.

Or you can be like me and play solo AND proceed to take a picture of the game in a public place…now I definitely won’t find someone to play with me.