Social Etiquette

NTDL #47: The Shamefully Unshameful Walk-Of-Shame

Scenario: It’s 10 am and you are walking home in one of the following outfits:

1. High heels and the dress, skirt or super classy outfit you wore last night

2. Sweat pants and sweat shirt with heels in hand (minus heels if a guy)

3. Combination of any of the above plus unwashed face and a but of a stagger in your step

4. Hair that looks like it once looked nice

We’ve all been there. We’ve all walked that.

I have witnessed them all. Girls with their head held high because they are trying to pretend that they are going for an abnormally early stroll in stilettos (calf workout right?). Or their head held low because if they don’t make eye contact with you then you can’t seem them…right?

Love the logic. Anyways…

What is worse than the above? When your casual walk in the early morning is misinterpreted as a Walk-Of-Shame. Let’s be honest. I’d rather actually be walking a Walk-Of-Shame than be just walking and people thinking I had a “long” night. It’s a lose-lose! No one wants a Shamefully-Unshameful-Walk-Of Shame (too much?) Not only did you not have a crazy fun night…but people are assuming you did which makes you feel worse because if people are going to assume those things you’d rather them be accurate! So on-lookers are judging you despite your well-intentioned “I’m going to go to bed early and wake up and get a coffee while everyone else is hung over tra-la-la”. Like…really?!

It’s the gods of social mockery emphasizing how lame you are.

Case and point:

Walking to the gym on a beauty Sunday morning in what now seems like a questionable clothing choice: Over-sized sweat pants, teal running shoes, bright yellow t-shirt (obviously over-sized too…) and a messy pony tail to top it all off. I walk by a house where 4 guys are sitting on the front porch (probably have been there all night) and they start chanting at me “Walk-of-shame! Walk-of-shame!” How does one refute that? I had 2 choices…

1: “Umm excuse me, no. I’m a very classy young lady and am just innocently walking to the gym because I was lame and stayed in last night thank you very much.”

or

2: Walk by. Hold head high. Laugh and keep on moving.

I chose the second option…but what would you do?

How many times have we seen someone and just assumed? It’s weird but people do wake up before 10 on Sundays (not just because they are trying to get away with something that isn’t really that bad because what are you “getting away with” really?) People will judge you for every and anything you do anyways!

I say, embrace the stare. Work those presumptions.

walk-of-shame

NTDL #44: “Stop The Duck-Face, Save A Duck”

What did ducks ever do to you?

(maybe they attacked you once when you were little and you are still traumatized…but that’s not what I’m getting at)

Why would anyone ruin the good name of those cute little animals by associating it with this hilariously unattractive habit.

I wonder where this phenomenon began. I swear one day this will be part of a social studied class lesson. 100 years from now people will be looking back through photo catalogs trying to find the linear connection between who, what, where and why this trend propagated.

I know some people look great doing it…

I know right? But not everyone can look THIS good.

The wide range of Duck Faces: from left to right above

  1. The Seductive: Sultry and well aware of body positioning. This girl knows her Duck Face.
  2. The FML: “I’m only doing this because everyone around me is/ my friend is making me”
  3. The First Timer: “I don’t know how to do this so bare with me. Is it lips out? Or suck cheeks in? Or both?”
  4. The Raz: Like a kiss face but with a sour candy undertone. Always a good choice.
  5. The Cute One: It’s rare, but if you can make it look cute, work it. (below)

Alright. Now that I had this minor rant, Duck Face away. If that’s what you like to see in a photo, I am not going to stop you. BUT this being said, I think your normal smiling face is way more attractive. Don’t hide behind that pucker-lip and sucked in face…do you my friend.

DO YOU.

Or maybe not.

Shout-out to my friends who set aside their dignity in public for a few minutes to help support the

“Stop The Duck-Face, Save A Duck” campaign.

NTDL 36: Mock Too Soon

Seriously though.

You think I can’t hear you? So what if I’m wearing high socks with flip-flops in the summer. So what if I wear navy blue on blue…on blue. I’m changing things up! Grey on grey was so last year (but lets, be real, it’s never out of style). Do I think I’m cool? Yes. Is hearing you and your friend say “socks” followed by laughter right after you passed me going to make me check my reflection as I walk by windows all day now? Yes. Do I wish I never walked in public today? Yes…(proceeds to go cry in a corner).

You see what mocking someone too soon will do? They will hear you, start to defend themselves and justify things in their head and that will just lead to a downward spiral of second guessing and self-conscious loathing. Way. To. Go.

Okay, let me clarify this tangent above.

Mocking Too Soon:

1. You are in a group of 2 or more

2. Have a thought about a person you walk by

3. Proceed to mock (make fun of) them before they are out of ear-shot…so they hear what you are saying about them

Lesson of the day: Wait a little longer before your mockery begins! It will save both the victim’s self-esteem AND…yeah just that.

NTDL #34: Be A Change-Counting-Keener

Having change is nice. Whether you keep it in a container in your car or in your wallet, change can be very convenient.

1. Having a stack of toonies and loonies makes you feel like a boss

2. Quarters are clutch in any situation (this situation most often includes candy machines)

3. How much fun is it to drop a penny, be too lazy to pick it up and be like “oh, well that will be a lucky penny for the person who finds it”

4. WISHING WELLS – you need change, its just fun. Throwing things is fun. If you happen to hit someone ‘by accident’ while you throw it, that might just make it more fun 😛

5. When you are buying something and give them exact change RIGHT AWAY (important)…they pretty much fall in love with you (me at starbucks, Venti Bold = $2.26…yes I know it’s a rip off BUT I am mildly addicted)

ANYWAYS

When you are in line and someone gives you the total and you proceed to count out 12 nickles, 6 dimes and 42 pennies…let’s just say you are not making any friends that day.

I witness it a lot. I’ve been the culprit and the victim (and oh there are sooo many victims – the cashier, everyone in line behind you and everyone witnessing it from other lines and in their head thinking “YES I didn’t get stuck behind that change-counting-keener”

SO! Next time you decide to pay for something with a two pounds of miscellaneous change please be aware that EVERYONE is judging you 🙂

 

 

NTDL #33: Hug Anxiety

Hugs. I could give handshakes and high-fives all day but…hugs. Everyone wants them. And don’t get me wrong! I love me a hug, but seriously, consider all of…

The Variables

1. When do you make the move for a hug? – upon approach, how long do you hold your arms up? a couple seconds away? what if they don’t do the same? do you just pretend you were stretching to the sky and then wipe the dirt off your shoulder?

2. How long do you hold it? – is their any significance to this?

3. Arms over or under? – this is vitally important, especially where height differences are concerned

OR

4. One arm over and one arm under? – is this just for bros?

5. How much space between bodies? – from a spectators point of view, this alone can characterize the relationship between the two people

6. Eye contact? do you make eye contact while leaning in for hug or just dive right in with blind inhibition?

Did I just increase your hug-anxiety significantly?

What I ask of you: The next time we decide on meeting up, let me know if you plan on us embracing so I can emotionally and mentally prepare myself. It would be much appreciated.

Originally from: http://www.graphics16.com/graphics/hugs/

NTDL #23: Open a wrapper in a quiet place

Quiet places:

1. Class room/lecture hall

2. Library

3. Class room/lecture hall

4. During a speech or presentation (classroom/lecture hall)

You want to eat your granola bar RIGHT NOW? There is 5 minutes left in class…and you want to eat it NOW? I’m just checking. I don’t know, I guess if I was really really really really hungry I’d distract everyone around me too just to eat a granola bar with 5 min…REALLY? Right NOW?!

Kay. Now you have my undivided (and seriously annoyed) attention. Let’s take this outside. Let’s go.

Oh! Wait…you think that if you open it slower it will be quieter. Nope. Not true. I say just rip it open OR wait 5 minutes, but you already chose to not do the second one.

Damn. Still opening that rapper eh? Hmm…too bad I actually wanted to know what the prof was saying but seeing as my goldfish-like attention span was now stolen by your need to eat that crinkly-wrapper-covered granola bar…

Ohhh HELL NO! It’s a crunchy granola bar?! WOW. Why don’t you just eat a fog horn! Shake my damn head….

What is quieter to eat in class?

 Granola bar < Fog Horn

           

     

NTDL #20: The Male-Female Chest Bump

In the heat of the moment, the adrenaline is high…you shoot…you score!!! Your co-ed basketball team just won the inter-mural championships. You are comfortable with your teammates so naturally you partake in celebratory gestures!!! Yay for high-fives!!! Yay for fist pumps!!! Yay for the ever-classic chest bump!!…

But don’t do it.

Trust me. Don’t do it.

But he/she is running up to you and you are both super excited, you both have a slight hesitation right before your feet leave the ground BUT you go for it anyways!

What you think you are going to look like:

What really happens…

Going through the guy’s head: Don’t jump too high, oh shit I just jumped too high…and yes her boobs were just shoved into my ribs.

Going through the girl’s head: Jump as high as you can, oh shit I can’t jump very high…damn I just rubbed my boobs on his ribs.

AWKWARD.

…walk away.

NTDL #17: Eat celery in front of people eating cake

Okay. So this is a very circumstantial situation, despite how simple it might seem.

Scenario 1The balancing act: You ate three pieces of cake yesterday but you have a birthday party to go to today! So, when cake is served at the party you politely decline and stick with the veggie tray.

Scenario 2You are full: Need to get a new excuse because no one is ever too full for cake BUT say you had five pieces of pizza and appetizers and honestly can’t shove another morsel in your mouth. Politely decline the cake and chew on some celery.

Scenario 3Things to do after: You are going out drinking and don’t want to be weighed down by a massive piece of cake OR you are hitting the gym and don’t want to run on a stomach full of butter and sugar. So you snack on celery.

Scenario 4You’re actually on a diet (or a health kick): You want to lose a few pounds and just want to be healthier! Apparently it’s common knowledge that cake isn’t good for you…I know! News to me. So you proceed with veggie eating.

The following responses are the thoughts that go through the head of those cake eaters…

Response by cake eaters #1: “Oh my god. They are on a diet.”

Response by cake eaters #2: “Oh my god. They have an eating disorder.”

Response by cake eaters #3: “Oh my god. I should go on a diet.”

I swear it doesn’t matter how much other food you have eaten. If you choose to NOT eat a piece of bad food along with everyone else…you might as well sound the alarm because it’s a BIG DEAL! Wooooah 500 less calories. Stop hatin’! (but feel free to hate on their choice of veggie to snack on because let’s be honest, no one actually LIKES celery)

NTDL #13: Talk to someone who is on the verge of tears

Have you ever started getting teary eyed in public?

Have you ever had someone come up to you and ask “aw is everything okay?”

Was this question followed by you bursting into tears?

Now take this experience and don’t recreate it with someone else. I know, I know. The person asking if you are okay is well intentioned BUT good intentions can be misinterpreted THUS send a feeling of “back the f*** off, I don’t want to cry hysterically in public and you talking to me is only going to make these temporarily held back waterworks flood this damn room.” It’s like…when you’re walking outside on a beautiful sunny day and it starts to drizzle a bit. You are thinking “oh this will just pass quickly, this wasn’t in the forecast” and then Mother Nature decides to ask Rain if he’s feeling okay and why he is drizzling on a beautiful sunny day and then…WOOOOOSSHHH. Sheets of rain. You are soaked. You were obviously wearing a white shirt (you think Hollywood does it to add sexuality to movies but I swear I’m always wearing a white shirt when it rains).

Moral of the story…

Image Vs. Image

Wait till the coast is clear OR bring an emotionally stable life-jacket.