NTDL #42: The Fundraising Fatty


I have one question.

Who came up with the idea of selling chocolate bars to raise money?

  1. They are a genius
  2. I dislike you a lot

Think about it. A little kid comes up to you and asks you in a soft almost quivering voice: “would you like to buy a chocolate bar? I’m raising money for the homeless shelter”

Okay. Stop right there. I am at a serious disadvantage here. Not only do they have the benefit of that adorable wide-eyed “I’m so innocent and care about people still” look BUT they are also raising money for a good cause! I have no chance, no choice…check mate! Making me question my selflessness while dangling a sugary indulgence in front of me…WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE.

In my head – Ohhh surrre, act all innocent. Just standing there, with all your will power and such. That’s cool. Do your thing. Prey on the weak. We’ll both see who the righteous one is come judgement day (not sure when this is…maybe halloween…or my next doctor’s appointment…or my stint on the biggest loser).

Anyways. So much for that diet I never started because I ran into a kid selling candy apples yesterday for the Hurricane Sandy relief efforts. You know what? Why don’t you sell umbrellas! I’d buy one. It would be a win-win. You’d make money AND I would not feel guilty about eating a chocolate bar (though it’s usually plural) that I bought AND I would have an umbrella (I really need one).

Oh! and another thing! Say you were all like:

“I’m not eating junk food for the next week. I’ve eaten terribly lately”.

And then…POOF! This kid approaches YOU!

Wide eyes and all…

Whether it was in front of a grocery store, at a sporting event OR the worst of all…

…your front door.

Well, it must be a sign then! You were not meant to eat healthy. If junk finds YOU, then you are in the clear! It should be “guilt free” because your conscience was in the right place…you gave money to a good cause, and gave sugar to your overly active sweet tooth.

But let’s be honest here. We never really give those kids 2 dollars because we want to support whatever they are doing. We are selfish and want candy.

Nuff said.

NTDL #41 – Be an IHR

An IHR…

Definition: noun, Incessant Hand Raiser

1. someone who raises their hand as though their academic integrity depends on it

2. someone who likes the sound of their own voice

3. someone who has a chronic shoulder condition causing a chain reaction of muscle spasms propelling their arm into the air at frequent and constant intervals

4. someone who likes rephrasing (OR even better, repeating exactly) what the prof/teacher said, to clarify to themselves and to others that they are just as articulate as a parrot

This is how everyone around you is feeling…or maybe it’s just me (it is probably just me):

Phase 1: tra-la-la…maybe I should participate

Phase 2: wait a minute…you are that IHR

Phase 3: how are you still talking…

Phase 4: I knew I didn’t come to this class for a reason…goodnight

NTDL #40 – Play rap music around a feminist

I implore you.

Do not…I repeat…DO NOT play rap music around a feminist.

Before I go into my pro-rap, anti-rap-hater rant, let’s first come to a common understanding of what I mean by “feminist”.
I’m talking about the extremest. Technically a feminist is anyone who thinks men and women should have equal rights. So “technically” many people are feminists. Anyways, in this scenario I am discussing the “everything I read, hear, see etc. is against women” type feminist.

Anyways.

If you like rap, whether it is mainstream, under ground…whatever. There are many derogatory, offensive, sexually explicit things said about women. That’s part of the genre. There are also very eloquently phrased, cleverly articulated things mentioned about women (and every other topic) BUT those are over shadowed. The reason for this? Most pump up and hype hip-hop and rap music that is mainstream is more…on the vulgar side. So when people who are against this type of music hear the 10 songs played in the top 40, they use these tracks as their battle ground for why it is such a crued genre. The fact of the matter is, this limited selection of music isn’t even scratching the surface. The majority of hip-hop lovers and rapΒ connoisseurs listen to these joints on the radio, at the club and on their ipods to get amped and such BUT they do not (and I seriously mean, DO NOT) base their sole love for this music on the publicly praised, billboard chart climbing, created for mass audience, tracks.

Alright.

Now this being said, sometimes you have to pick your battles.

Don’t play rap music in front of an extreme feminist.

1. Always be ready: She Will (pun intended…Drake ft. Lil Wayne) make some pretty easily justifiable arguments that, if you were caught off guard, will make you seriously consider your music choices

2. Not worth the effort: No mater what you say…you will NOT change her/his mind (yes a guy can be a feminist)

3. If: If you try to back up the lyrics…you’ll realize you can’t. Especially when you are caught defending the song “Hey Ma”. I once tried saying “I don’t listen to the lyrics necessarily, it’s for the beat, rhythm, base etc” but for some reason they weren’t buying it.
4. Playing it safe: When in doubt, keep it in the headphones πŸ˜‰

Though I am curious…”What Would You Do” if you were faced with a sudden anti-rap attack? Other than burst out into City High’s one hit wonder.

NTDL #39: Tell Secrets

Definition of secret:

adjective
not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others
Okay, now that we understand the definition, let’s get this out in the open. If you don’t want ANYONE to know…don’t tell anyone. Don’t write it down, don’t retell, recreate or produce anything that will make a duplicate of this “secret”.

I know I know, it’s hard. But if you genuinely want to keep something on the downlow, your lips have to be sealed. Whenever you tell someone something, you have to know they have that chronic condition called “human nature“. No, there is not a cure…but one of the many symptoms is gossiping and sharing information.

Person 1: “Promise you won’t tell anyone?”

Person 2: “I promise!”

LIES.

All lies.

You know why I know that this is a lie? Because we have all done it. Yes, you have too. Oh you haven’t? Well you should get your Denial checked out.

Anyways, we can’t keep our mouths shut. The thing is, if you need to talk to someone, talk to someone. If you need to let out your angst and emotions etc. talk to someone! Just be okay with the fact that someone else now holds that information and it is at their disposal. That’s life. I have told secrets, heard secrets, kept secrets and confided in others about someone else’s secrets. That’s the nature of the glorious grape vine we call human interaction.

So if you are ever feeling the urge to tell someone something (whether it be yours to tell or not) and you are having reservations about it…when in doubt…

I swear that shit solves everything.

NTDL #38 Bike on the road

No. One. Likes. You.


Walkers: don’t like you because you are getting somewhere faster than them AND they think your helmet looks silly AND if you are wearing a skin tight outfit…they think that looks silly too.

Drivers: don’t like you because…

1.Β  You are slow

2. They think they are going to hit you

3. No matter how far to the left thye go around you, they still think they are going to hit you

4. And while they are driving around you they imagine themselves hitting you and going to jail because of it

Just so we are clear. Road bikers…we are not friends. I have tried. I really have. This just isn’t working out. Maybe if you didn’t bike in front of me on a busy street or narrow road while it is raining at night I would feel differently…but you still do. I have put in the effort while you cease to change. And you thought I was stubborn? Yeah, look in the mirror my friend (although we were never friends. Anyways,

That’s all I have to say.

 

NTDL #37: Come Last

By all means, be the fastest. Run until your legs can’t run any more, lap people and do a victory dance when you finish if necessary (always necessary).

BUT! If you are like the majority of the population, you probably won’t be winning every single race. Yeah I know, sad reality check. All those long hours practicing my hybrid victory dance of the Dougie, Cat Daddy AND Gangnam style (The Cat-Dougnam) are going to waste. Despite this, there is an optimistic perspective that has emerged.

Just don’t come last.

I guess I could be talking literally about actually running and physically beating someone out, or generally about any type of competition.

The fact of the matter is that people pay attention to number one (sometimes two and three) and then when it comes to the last person…they send out the Pity Party. This Pity Party is a nice sentiment if you were blind to human nature. We feel bad for you because you came last and might be embarrassed blah blah…but really we are like “THANK THE LORD THAT WAS NOT ME”. Why do you think reality TV is such a hit? We LOVE seeing people suffer. That is why 11 episodes are dedicated to people getting kicked off and 1 to the winner! Tis’ the nature of the beast.

Anyways, before I diverge any more, my main point is if you don’t come in first, finish anywhere but last. Even 2nd last? Yup.

It is like a herd of gazelle being chased by a lion. Is the second last gazelle going to get eaten? No. Is the last one? Yes.

So all in all, go get that literal or metaphorical cardio up! I’ll be seeing you in the middle of the pack someday soon….when I choose to slow down of course πŸ˜‰

 

NTDL 36: Mock Too Soon

Seriously though.

You think I can’t hear you? So what if I’m wearing high socks with flip-flops in the summer. So what if I wear navy blue on blue…on blue. I’m changing things up! Grey on grey was so last year (but lets, be real, it’s never out of style). Do I think I’m cool? Yes. Is hearing you and your friend say “socks” followed by laughter right after you passed me going to make me check my reflection as I walk by windows all day now? Yes. Do I wish I never walked in public today? Yes…(proceeds to go cry in a corner).

You see what mocking someone too soon will do? They will hear you, start to defend themselves and justify things in their head and that will just lead to a downward spiral of second guessing and self-conscious loathing. Way. To. Go.

Okay, let me clarify this tangent above.

Mocking Too Soon:

1. You are in a group of 2 or more

2. Have a thought about a person you walk by

3. Proceed to mock (make fun of) them before they are out of ear-shot…so they hear what you are saying about them

Lesson of the day: Wait a little longer before your mockery begins! It will save both the victim’s self-esteem AND…yeah just that.

NTDL #35: Bar-To-Bride Syndrome

Oh how I love coming up with imaginary disorders. Disorders in which I can diagnose mass-populations with.

The disorder on the discussion board today: Bar-To-Bride Syndrome

Bar: A place where people gather to socialize and usually consume alcohol. In this definition, it also means clubs and pubs etc. AND in this definition it is stereotyped to North Americans so it involves copious amounts of alcohol.

Bride: The “majority” of the female population hopes to be this one day. Wear a white dress, walk down the isle, say vows…blah blah

Bar-To-Bride Syndrome: When females (or males i guess) think they will meet their future spouse in a bar/club and have expectations that surpass a simple hook-up/one-night stand/etc.

Let’s be real. I’m not a pessimist or trying to be a negative-nelly BUT come on. NO ONE should EVER go to a bar expecting to meet the person of their dreams. On top of that, if you do not meet or hook up with someone on a given night, you are not…I repeat…YOU ARE NOT going to end up a cat lady! (most likely). Think about it. We are all extremely visual creatures. If a man or woman approaches you in a bar there is 99.99999 % chance it is not because of your amazing personality…although I am banking on that 0.00001 %.

Anyways, people don’t go out expecting to meet extremely deep, well-rounded, life-partner potential type people.

If they do meet them? That’s fantastic! Congratulations. I’ve actually met some pretty great friends and significant others while out. BUT that being said, my expectations were actually zero. The thing is that if you go in expecting too much…it ain’t happening.

If you don’t meet these amazing people or that special person? Don’t sweat it. Why?

1. Wrong place to be looking

2. You have to maneuver your way through a lot of superficial, shallow, sleezy B.S to find someone worthy of your goddess/god-like presence.

3. Although lust is a prime component to the beginning of any relationship, there is a good chance that this one night stand is not going to lead to wedding bells. I don’t care if he says “I’ve never met anyone like you before” or “I can’t get over how beautiful you are”. Trust me. He has met a sexy drunk girl before AND he’ll be over your beauty tomorrow πŸ˜›

ANYWAYS this is not hating on the hilariously-amazing interactions that take place in clubs and bars. I’m just saying…don’t catch B2B Syndrome. It’s chronic. I’m currently doing a people-watching project to further research and treatment programs.

Party on my friends πŸ˜‰

(Original: http://www.myspace.com/alternative_me/photos/14477771)

NTDL #34: Be A Change-Counting-Keener

Having change is nice. Whether you keep it in a container in your car or in your wallet, change can be very convenient.

1. Having a stack of toonies and loonies makes you feel like a boss

2. Quarters are clutch in any situation (this situation most often includes candy machines)

3. How much fun is it to drop a penny, be too lazy to pick it up and be like “oh, well that will be a lucky penny for the person who finds it”

4. WISHING WELLS – you need change, its just fun. Throwing things is fun. If you happen to hit someone ‘by accident’ while you throw it, that might just make it more fun πŸ˜›

5. When you are buying something and give them exact change RIGHT AWAY (important)…they pretty much fall in love with you (me at starbucks, Venti Bold = $2.26…yes I know it’s a rip off BUT I am mildly addicted)

ANYWAYS

When you are in line and someone gives you the total and you proceed to count out 12 nickles, 6 dimes and 42 pennies…let’s just say you are not making any friends that day.

I witness it a lot. I’ve been the culprit and the victim (and oh there are sooo many victims – the cashier, everyone in line behind you and everyone witnessing it from other lines and in their head thinking “YES I didn’t get stuck behind that change-counting-keener”

SO! Next time you decide to pay for something with a two pounds of miscellaneous change please be aware that EVERYONE is judging you πŸ™‚

 

 

NTDL #33: Hug Anxiety

Hugs. I could give handshakes and high-fives all day but…hugs. Everyone wants them. And don’t get me wrong! I love me a hug, but seriously, consider all of…

The Variables

1. When do you make the move for a hug? – upon approach, how long do you hold your arms up? a couple seconds away? what if they don’t do the same? do you just pretend you were stretching to the sky and then wipe the dirt off your shoulder?

2. How long do you hold it? – is their any significance to this?

3. Arms over or under? – this is vitally important, especially where height differences are concerned

OR

4. One arm over and one arm under? – is this just for bros?

5. How much space between bodies? – from a spectators point of view, this alone can characterize the relationship between the two people

6. Eye contact? do you make eye contact while leaning in for hug or just dive right in with blind inhibition?

Did I just increase your hug-anxiety significantly?

What I ask of you: The next time we decide on meeting up, let me know if you plan on us embracing so I can emotionally and mentally prepare myself. It would be much appreciated.

Originally from: http://www.graphics16.com/graphics/hugs/