Not To-Do List

NTDL #48 : The SKULLET

I truly believe in the idea of “to each his/her own”

That being said…(I couldn’t bring myself to post a photo)

Click here to see what a skullet looks like…

This naturally occurring hair-trocity makes me question the very foundation of my value system.

I don’t like moral ambiguity people! Quite frankly, it’s upsetting.

Mullet + receding hairline = NO

I have nothing else to say.

NTDL #44: “Stop The Duck-Face, Save A Duck”

What did ducks ever do to you?

(maybe they attacked you once when you were little and you are still traumatized…but that’s not what I’m getting at)

Why would anyone ruin the good name of those cute little animals by associating it with this hilariously unattractive habit.

I wonder where this phenomenon began. I swear one day this will be part of a social studied class lesson. 100 years from now people will be looking back through photo catalogs trying to find the linear connection between who, what, where and why this trend propagated.

I know some people look great doing it…

I know right? But not everyone can look THIS good.

The wide range of Duck Faces: from left to right above

  1. The Seductive: Sultry and well aware of body positioning. This girl knows her Duck Face.
  2. The FML: “I’m only doing this because everyone around me is/ my friend is making me”
  3. The First Timer: “I don’t know how to do this so bare with me. Is it lips out? Or suck cheeks in? Or both?”
  4. The Raz: Like a kiss face but with a sour candy undertone. Always a good choice.
  5. The Cute One: It’s rare, but if you can make it look cute, work it. (below)

Alright. Now that I had this minor rant, Duck Face away. If that’s what you like to see in a photo, I am not going to stop you. BUT this being said, I think your normal smiling face is way more attractive. Don’t hide behind that pucker-lip and sucked in face…do you my friend.

DO YOU.

Or maybe not.

Shout-out to my friends who set aside their dignity in public for a few minutes to help support the

“Stop The Duck-Face, Save A Duck” campaign.

NTDL #41 – Be an IHR

An IHR…

Definition: noun, Incessant Hand Raiser

1. someone who raises their hand as though their academic integrity depends on it

2. someone who likes the sound of their own voice

3. someone who has a chronic shoulder condition causing a chain reaction of muscle spasms propelling their arm into the air at frequent and constant intervals

4. someone who likes rephrasing (OR even better, repeating exactly) what the prof/teacher said, to clarify to themselves and to others that they are just as articulate as a parrot

This is how everyone around you is feeling…or maybe it’s just me (it is probably just me):

Phase 1: tra-la-la…maybe I should participate

Phase 2: wait a minute…you are that IHR

Phase 3: how are you still talking…

Phase 4: I knew I didn’t come to this class for a reason…goodnight

NTDL #40 – Play rap music around a feminist

I implore you.

Do not…I repeat…DO NOT play rap music around a feminist.

Before I go into my pro-rap, anti-rap-hater rant, let’s first come to a common understanding of what I mean by “feminist”.
I’m talking about the extremest. Technically a feminist is anyone who thinks men and women should have equal rights. So “technically” many people are feminists. Anyways, in this scenario I am discussing the “everything I read, hear, see etc. is against women” type feminist.

Anyways.

If you like rap, whether it is mainstream, under ground…whatever. There are many derogatory, offensive, sexually explicit things said about women. That’s part of the genre. There are also very eloquently phrased, cleverly articulated things mentioned about women (and every other topic) BUT those are over shadowed. The reason for this? Most pump up and hype hip-hop and rap music that is mainstream is more…on the vulgar side. So when people who are against this type of music hear the 10 songs played in the top 40, they use these tracks as their battle ground for why it is such a crued genre. The fact of the matter is, this limited selection of music isn’t even scratching the surface. The majority of hip-hop lovers and rap connoisseurs listen to these joints on the radio, at the club and on their ipods to get amped and such BUT they do not (and I seriously mean, DO NOT) base their sole love for this music on the publicly praised, billboard chart climbing, created for mass audience, tracks.

Alright.

Now this being said, sometimes you have to pick your battles.

Don’t play rap music in front of an extreme feminist.

1. Always be ready: She Will (pun intended…Drake ft. Lil Wayne) make some pretty easily justifiable arguments that, if you were caught off guard, will make you seriously consider your music choices

2. Not worth the effort: No mater what you say…you will NOT change her/his mind (yes a guy can be a feminist)

3. If: If you try to back up the lyrics…you’ll realize you can’t. Especially when you are caught defending the song “Hey Ma”. I once tried saying “I don’t listen to the lyrics necessarily, it’s for the beat, rhythm, base etc” but for some reason they weren’t buying it.
4. Playing it safe: When in doubt, keep it in the headphones 😉

Though I am curious…”What Would You Do” if you were faced with a sudden anti-rap attack? Other than burst out into City High’s one hit wonder.

NTDL #39: Tell Secrets

Definition of secret:

adjective
not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others
Okay, now that we understand the definition, let’s get this out in the open. If you don’t want ANYONE to know…don’t tell anyone. Don’t write it down, don’t retell, recreate or produce anything that will make a duplicate of this “secret”.

I know I know, it’s hard. But if you genuinely want to keep something on the downlow, your lips have to be sealed. Whenever you tell someone something, you have to know they have that chronic condition called “human nature“. No, there is not a cure…but one of the many symptoms is gossiping and sharing information.

Person 1: “Promise you won’t tell anyone?”

Person 2: “I promise!”

LIES.

All lies.

You know why I know that this is a lie? Because we have all done it. Yes, you have too. Oh you haven’t? Well you should get your Denial checked out.

Anyways, we can’t keep our mouths shut. The thing is, if you need to talk to someone, talk to someone. If you need to let out your angst and emotions etc. talk to someone! Just be okay with the fact that someone else now holds that information and it is at their disposal. That’s life. I have told secrets, heard secrets, kept secrets and confided in others about someone else’s secrets. That’s the nature of the glorious grape vine we call human interaction.

So if you are ever feeling the urge to tell someone something (whether it be yours to tell or not) and you are having reservations about it…when in doubt…

I swear that shit solves everything.

NTDL #38 Bike on the road

No. One. Likes. You.


Walkers: don’t like you because you are getting somewhere faster than them AND they think your helmet looks silly AND if you are wearing a skin tight outfit…they think that looks silly too.

Drivers: don’t like you because…

1.  You are slow

2. They think they are going to hit you

3. No matter how far to the left thye go around you, they still think they are going to hit you

4. And while they are driving around you they imagine themselves hitting you and going to jail because of it

Just so we are clear. Road bikers…we are not friends. I have tried. I really have. This just isn’t working out. Maybe if you didn’t bike in front of me on a busy street or narrow road while it is raining at night I would feel differently…but you still do. I have put in the effort while you cease to change. And you thought I was stubborn? Yeah, look in the mirror my friend (although we were never friends. Anyways,

That’s all I have to say.

 

NTDL 36: Mock Too Soon

Seriously though.

You think I can’t hear you? So what if I’m wearing high socks with flip-flops in the summer. So what if I wear navy blue on blue…on blue. I’m changing things up! Grey on grey was so last year (but lets, be real, it’s never out of style). Do I think I’m cool? Yes. Is hearing you and your friend say “socks” followed by laughter right after you passed me going to make me check my reflection as I walk by windows all day now? Yes. Do I wish I never walked in public today? Yes…(proceeds to go cry in a corner).

You see what mocking someone too soon will do? They will hear you, start to defend themselves and justify things in their head and that will just lead to a downward spiral of second guessing and self-conscious loathing. Way. To. Go.

Okay, let me clarify this tangent above.

Mocking Too Soon:

1. You are in a group of 2 or more

2. Have a thought about a person you walk by

3. Proceed to mock (make fun of) them before they are out of ear-shot…so they hear what you are saying about them

Lesson of the day: Wait a little longer before your mockery begins! It will save both the victim’s self-esteem AND…yeah just that.

NTDL #32: Chew Gum Too Long

It varies between brands.

It depends on how big or small.

The style/approach you take to doing it matters.

Yup, you guessed it. I’m talking about a piece of gum and chewing it.

We’ve all been there. You put your gum in your mouth an hour, or even a few hours ago. You have been chewing away…even though the flavour is gone now…you keep on chewing.

BUT THEN the consistency starts to go weird. It gets all pasty in your mouth. AND of course, it’s at this exact moment that one of the following things happens:

1. M.I.A-Garbage-Can: You can’t for the life of you find a garbage can! They all ran away right when your gum problem started. Garbage cans can sense it I swear.

2. Friend-Run-In: You run into someone you know and an inevitably long conversation ensues. And if it is most cases, they are asking you a lot of questions making you talk a lot with this strange substance forming in your mouth.

3. Public Dilemma: You can’t find or make it to a bathroom and there are just lots of people around. You want to spit it out but it falls apart. Only clean option – swallow it (least healthy option…been there done that)

I don’t think I’m the only one who has been in this situation…if so…this NTD is a warning. It’s super awkward and nasty and makes you actually question what the heck gum is made of.

Anyways, chew away my friends! But remember, be safe and always come prepared…

…with a gum wrapper.

NTDL #29: Ask a PC owner if they wish they had a Mac

It’s a touchy subject.

I’m primarily talking about laptops in this argument but in general this is what tends to happen when you ask…

“Don’t you wish you had a MacBook?” or while you are sitting there with your MacBook open you ask “Hmmm…(in a condescending tone) Do you like your Dell/Samsung/Sony etc.? (anything that is not a Mac)”

The reply usually involves one or all of the following phases:

1. Denial – They say they love their computer. It gets “the job done” (although they don’t disclose if the job is done well). Maybe they caress it and smile awkwardly.

2. Defense – They start trying to throw any negative comments or stats they have EVER heard about Apple products at you. “Well, I hear that Macs are…umm…(mumbles something)…I don’t like Photo Booth anyways because people who take pictures of themselves are narcissists so that means Apple is stuck up and yeah. I like my computer.”

3. Complain – Give it a few minutes, then they complain about: how slow it is to load stuff, loud fan, short battery life, bad programs, breaks all the time, how heavy it is…blah blah blah BUT don’t worry, it really doesn’t bother them. REALLY. They REALLY DO like their computer (another bout of denial).

4. Personal Reflection – Sit in the silence of their roaring internal fan. Feel the indents forming from the 20 pound piece of machinery sitting on their lap. Acceptance sets in.

I am not saying that Macs are the best computer by ANY means…I am just poking fun at how hilarious it is to witness these types of conversations over and over…and over again.

Now for some self-centered Photo Booth pics. You’re welcome.

 

NTDL #28: Do single dumbbell forearm curls in the weight room

Okay, so there are some pretty awkward movements and motions one can do in the weight room.

1. Lots of bending over

2. Lots of thrusting

3. Lots of grunting (well…those certain loud dudes, every gym has one or two)

That being said, most people with a certain level of maturity (not me) won’t think twice when they see someone doing these strength exercises. BUT the one thing I think we can all agree on is…

Forearm curls are just – awkward.

It’s just…how can someone walk by a guy doing single dumbbell forearm curls and not have their mind flood with inappropriate comments?

I can’t. No matter how many times I see it.

I will always find it funny.

I refuse to be the bigger person and move past it.

And TRUST ME, I have seen some peculiar things in the gym…I have even had to do some weird things…but I swear nothing is more hilariously distracting than a guy focusing 110% (squinting, taut lips) on himself raising and lowering his wrist 40 degrees with a 10-20lb weight.

Now with that image in mind…have a great day 🙂